I have to admit, I’ve never been good at the snappy comeback. My rejoinders require time to spring into mind, and of course by then it’s far too late.
This is a conversation that occurred in my car this morning. I am not kidding, and I have not changed it.
Me (perkily): Hey, do either of you have any ideas for what you’d like for dinners this week?
Girl: Tikka masala.
Me: Beef or chicken?
Girl: Seriously? You know I don’t like beef enchiladas. Did you just say that because you know I don’t like them?
Boy: Well, you know I don’t like tikka masala.
Girl: Dude, I totally forgot. I can’t believe you did that.
Amidst wondering when, after puberty, maturity hits, all I wanted to do was pull over the car and leave them both on the side of the road. However, this is frowned upon in our society for some reason. Instead, I continued driving to our destination, where I left them. I drove away somewhat comforted by the knowledge that for the next four hours they would both be sweating and suffering in the agony of summer physical education class. Mwah ha ha.
Hours having passed, I can now wish that I had given one of these snappy comebacks:
“If this were a Dickens novel, you’d both be starving orphans.”
“If this were Shackleton’s expedition*, you’d be eating boiled shoe leather. Or the sled dogs.”
“If you keep it up, I’ll send you to Mrs. Lovett’s to buy some meat pies.”
Any more snappy comeback ideas? Leave them in the comments.
*This year is the 100th anniversary of this extraordinary tale of survival. If you’re not familiar with it, you should be.