I love how frequently TNT shows The Lord of the Rings trilogy (it’s on right now). Even though I own all three movies (Extended Edition, of course), there’s something wonderful about stumbling upon them by accident. You think, “oh, I’ll just watch this scene, then move on to something else,” and the next thing you know it’s past dinner time and your kids are gnawing on chair legs in the kitchen. But, the glory! The nobility! The power!
It gets me every time.
But as much as I used to read and re-read those books and imagine what it would be like to be IN them, I assure you, it would be a really, really bad idea to include me in the Fellowship of the Ring. Here’s why:
Ten reasons you would not want me along on your Quest to Destroy the One Ring:
1. My idea of “roughing it” is about the level of the Inn at Bree. Feather beds with pillows, a tavern downstairs with hot meals and pints (yes, Pippin, it comes in pints!), and the possibility of a return to civilization, such as it was… yes, that’s camping for me. Night after night on the hard ground with only my elven cloak for a blanket and my backpack for a pillow? I’m not having it.
2. I cannot start a fire without a book of matches. Preferably a whole box. And a friend yelling about kindling and damp wood and where the hell did you put the marshmallows? (But then again, I don’t know any man who can start a fire without a whole can of lighter fluid, so there.)
3. I need snacks even before the hobbits are whining about “elevensies.”
4. I get cold when the temperature hits about 60. I lose feeling in my toes and fingers by the time it approaches 40. So that whole marching over Caradhras thing? Forget it. And I would kill Legolas. C’mere ya stupid elf. I’ll show you walking on snow.
5. You’d lose me in Rohan. Come on. A whole culture where they ride horses and speak Old English? That was specifically designed for me. In fact, when I die, Peter Jackson’s film version of Rohan is exactly what my personal heaven is going to be, only with ibuprofen and flush toilets.
6. I’d freeze in the face of danger. When Aragorn and the mighty warriors are charging forth into battle and even the little hobbits are finding their inner heroes, I’d be standing in the back, simply incapable of movement. I wouldn’t even be screaming. I’d be paralyzed.
7. While I am not addicted to caffeine like SOME people I know, I would, like Amelia Earheart, put the entire expedition at risk by dumping important supplies and carrying Diet Pepsi instead. Oh, you didn’t know that little fact? That she traded precious fuel for bottles of Pepsi on her last, doomed flight? Yeah, I kinda lost some of my respect for her with that doozy.
8. I’d be grabbing that Palantir. You think Pippin was bad? I touch everything. I can’t walk through a clothing store without touching everything to feel the texture. (On the flip side, I dislike being touched, but that’s a whole other story).
9. I could not kill and prepare my own food. What’s that you’ve got there, Aragorn? A buck you’ve killed? Oh… that’s… nice…
10. No quiet time for months on end. I need alone time. I crave alone time. It’s like air or food or books. All that walking and talking. When would I write? When would I read?
One reason you would want me along, however – and you probably don’t know this about me – I am really good with a bow and arrows. Not that I’ve ever shot at anything, you know, alive, but I hit my targets every time and usually make it into one of the two inner rings. Cool, huh? I don’t know why, since I’m not that good at most things that require hand-eye coordination.
Of course, I haven’t yet tried shooting whilst surfing down a dying oliphant’s trunk, but I’ll give it a go.